How will we meet our Lord for the first time?

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

I am standing on the day of Qiyamah, helplessly looking at the angels gathering and piling my deeds on top of each other in front of me. Allah is there in front of me, on His throne, in all His majesty. The first time I am able to look at my Allah but I am too scared to look up. I am just standing there paralyzed with fear, unable to tear my eyes away from whatever the angels are bringing.

There comes a good deed, it is fragrant. It is shining. But what is it? Oh that day I stepped in the toilet with my left foot! I had completely forgotten about it. But my Allah didn’t forget.

Oh what is that? Its ugly! Oh my Allah it is disgusting! It is like rotten flesh. What is it? Oh Allah I forgot I laughed at so and so behind her back.

And this other thing! I want to run away from it. It is horrible. What is it? That food I distributed in the orphans but then I put it everywhere on the social media, expecting praise. Please Allah let me run away from it. Please Allah let me put a distance between myself and it. Please Allah don’t let everyone see that this ugly nasty thing belongs to me.

Oh! Angles are bringing something else. At least it looks pretty. Golden and shiny and very beautiful. But what is it? Oh it’s that day! I remember it. I was sitting on the campus stairs and when this guy passed by I lowered my gaze. Girls around me had been talking about him for days, his looks, his eyes, his tall lean body. I was curious and wanted to see him but I remembered you O Allah and I lowered my gaze. Oh! How glad am I that I lowered my eyes that day.

And another shining glittering deed! Oh it’s that day. I was feeling hot in my niqab, sweating buckets. I looked at girls around me in flowery summer dresses and how I wished I was enjoying the day like them. But I kept my niqab on, my dull dark jilbaab on, stayed on the side of the road, not laughing loud, no perfume on me. And my Allah saw that, the angels recorded that. O Allah how glad am I! Where are all my family and friends? I will show them this. I am crying with joy!

But wait! What is this? I am shuddering in disgust. Another evil deed! This one is ugly ugly ugly, and its big! O Allah have mercy on me. Please let it go away, don’t let it near me. What have I done? I remember that day. I was feeling angry and jealous. She had been outnumbering me everywhere. So when they asked me about her I said “Look I don’t want to back bite or anything but…….” and I lied! Why did I do that? What does it all matter anyway! Oh woe to me why did I do that!

O my Allah just give me one more chance, just one more. O my Rabb let me run away from here! How can I stand in front of You with all my shameful sins lying between you and me. First time I am meeting you face to face but I am unable to look at you with all this ugly rotten stuff surrounding me. O my Lord just one more chance! Just one more please….. Let these things go away, let them disappear please…..

On the Day when every person will be confronted with all the good he has done, and
all the evil he has done, he will wish that there were a great distance between him and his evil. And Allah warns you against Himself (His Punishment) and Allah is full of Kindness to the (His) slaves. [Quran 3:30]

سبحانك اللهم و بحمدك نشهد ان لااله الّا انت نستغفرك و نتوب اليك

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